Wokesworth Business Directory
Supporting local enterprise across all three factions. From artisan sourdough to dodgy cash-in-hand services, we've got you covered. Faction alignment clearly marked for your convenience.
Featured Enterprise
Taylor Doxey Enterprises
"Renaissance Man for Hire"
Proprietor: Rt. Hon. Rev. Taylor Doxey PhD. MSc. — Polymath, Philanthropist, Alchemist
Wokesworth's most versatile entrepreneur offers services spanning missionary work, entertainment, underwater golf ball retrieval, alternative monument construction, murder mystery hosting, and fibreglass equine manufacturing. Has walked the path untrodden and passed many tests for which they will not figure out a written examination for many decades, if ever.
Services & Expertise:
Notable Achievements:
- ★ Wooed June Brown with "Can't Help Falling In Love"
- ★ Compared to Alec Guinness by Matlock Mercury
- ★ Featured in Peak Practice AND Heartbeat
- ★ Worked exclusively with Tiger Woods (2002)
- ★ Erected Sponge Henge at Bonsall Carnival 2001
Showing 13 businesses
The Conscious Bean
Café & Eatery
"Ethically Anxious Coffee"
Award-winning artisan coffee roasted with intention and served with a side of passive judgement. Our beans are hand-selected by Peruvian women's collectives and roasted using 100% renewable smugness.
12 Market Place, Wokesworth
01onal 629 OATLY
7am-4pm (or when Mercury is in retrograde)
Sandra's Proper Pies
Food & Bakery
"None of That Vegan Muck"
Traditional meat pies made the way God intended. Contains actual meat from actual animals. Cash only. No questions asked about the meat. Been here since 1987 and will be here when the vegans have all buggered off back to London.
34 Cold Harbour, Wokesworth
01629 PIES
6am-2pm, closed Sundays (church)
Keith's Cash-in-Hand Services
Trades & Services
"No Job Too Dodgy"
General odd jobs, light removals, definitely not stolen goods, scrap metal collection, and creative solutions to life's little problems. Tax situation: between him and the Lord. Also runs the Local Rough Pub (possibly).
The Local Rough Pub (ask at bar)
Ask around
When he's sober
ReWild Wokesworth CIC
Environmental Services
"Bringing Back the Beaver (Whether You Like It or Not)"
Community Interest Company dedicated to returning Wokesworth to its pre-industrial glory. Current projects include beaver reintroduction, wildflower meadow conversion, and tutting loudly at anyone with a petrol lawnmower.
The Old Mill (converted sustainably)
01629 BEAVER
Dawn patrol onwards
Dusty's Heritage Quarry Tours
Tourism & Heritage
"Real History, None of That Woke Rubbish"
Third-generation quarryman Dave 'Dusty' Slaithwaite shows you how real men used to work. No hard hats, no health and safety lectures, just proper stories about proper work. Occasional rants about the good old days included free.
Old Quarry Works, Gorsey Bank
01629 LIME
When the weather's right
Chakra Cottage Healing Centre
Wellness & Healing
"Align Your Energy, Empty Your Wallet"
Full-service crystal healing, reiki, sound baths, and existential realignment. Our practitioners have trained extensively in Bali and can cure almost anything except actual medical conditions.
7 St. John's Street, Wokesworth
01629 NAMASTE
When the universe permits
The Local Rough Pub
Pub & Entertainment
"Stella. Darts. Dog."
Wokesworth's finest (only) proper boozer. Unchanged since 1987 and proud of it. Stella, Carling, Fosters on tap. Fruit machine in corner. Carpet of uncertain origin. Dog friendly (Keith's dog is always here anyway).
Market Place, Wokesworth
Just turn up
11am-11pm (or whenever Keith wakes up)
The Wokesworth Sourdough Museum
Culture & Tourism
"Celebrating the Art of Pretentious Bread"
Interactive museum dedicated to the history, science, and insufferable culture of sourdough. Features the Peak District's oldest starter (allegedly dating to 1847) and a gift shop selling bread-themed mindfulness journals.
The Old Chapel, Green Hill
01629 LOAF
10am-5pm, closed when they're "feeding the mother"
Barbara's Traditional Barbers
Personal Services
"Short Back and Sides Since 1962"
Proper haircuts for proper prices. None of that fancy 'fade' business. Barbara doesn't do appointments, doesn't do chat about your holiday, and definitely doesn't do man buns. Cash only.
22 St. Mary's Gate, Wokesworth
01629 HAIR
Tue-Sat, 9am-5pm
Old Maurice's Predictions & Prophecies
Spiritual Services
"Corner Seat Consultations"
Cryptic advice and weather complaints from Wokesworth's oldest continuous pub inhabitant. Consultations held at his usual corner in the Local Rough Pub. Payment in pints of Stella only. Accuracy not guaranteed but eerily spot-on.
Corner seat, The Local Rough Pub
N/A (just approach respectfully)
Opening time until closing time
Transition Wokesworth
Community Organisation
"Building Community Resilience (Smugly)"
Grassroots organisation preparing Wokesworth for the post-oil future through skill-sharing, community gardens, and making everyone feel guilty about their cars. Regular meetings in the village hall (heated by biomass, obviously).
Memorial Hall, Wokesworth
01629 FUTURE
Meetings every Tuesday 7pm
Daz's Dog Walking & Errands
Pet Services
"Dogs Walked, No Questions Asked"
Professional dog walking services at reasonable rates. Also available for "other errands" if you know what I mean. Regular at the Local Rough Pub. References available from Keith.
Find me at the Local Rough Pub
Ask Keith
Flexible
Mindful Plumbing Solutions
Trades & Services
"Sustainable Pipe Work with Intention"
Eco-conscious plumbing services using reclaimed materials where possible. All callouts include a complimentary carbon footprint assessment of your water usage. We will judge your boiler.
The Green, Wokesworth
01629 FLOW
When aligned with natural rhythms
Wokesworth Business Directory accepts no responsibility for services rendered, promises made, or mysterious meat content. Faction alignments are self-declared and may not reflect actual political leanings. Old Maurice's predictions are for entertainment purposes only.