Visit
Where to stay and what to eat (depending on your faction allegiance)
Where to Stay
Accommodation options ranging from eco-conscious to couldn't-care-less.
Quarryman's Cottage
Authentic 19th-century quarry worker's dwelling, now featuring underfloor heating, a rain shower, and WiFi. Your ancestors could never. Original features include the fireplace; removed features include the outside toilet and the crushing poverty.
The Transition Hub
Carbon-neutral accommodation with composting toilets, solar everything, and a strict no-meat policy. Breakfast features 7 types of plant milk and bread so sourdough it practically talks back. Mandatory 15-minute briefing on recycling procedures at check-in.
Keith's Spare Room
Above the Local Rough Pub pub. Basic but character-full. Includes earplugs (essential on darts nights), a kettle, and Keith's dog wandering in at 6am. Breakfast not included but Sandra's Pies opens at 7.
Eating Out
From deconstructed to no-nonsense - dining options for every palate and political persuasion.
The Conscious Bean
Wokesworth's premier plant-based dining experience. Menu features activated charcoal lattes, deconstructed avocado assemblages, and at least three things described as "conscious." WiFi password changes based on whatever social cause is trending.
Speciality: Feelings Toast (£12) - bread served with whatever emotion you're processing
⚠️ May cause eye-rolling from locals in adjacent establishments
Sandra's Proper Pies
Three generations of proper pies. Steak & ale, meat & potato, and on Fridays, the legendary "Full English Pie" (an entire breakfast encased in pastry). The sign reading "PROPER PIES" has been there since 2019.
Speciality: The Quarryman Special (£4.50) - a pie so substantial it counts as lunch AND dinner
⚠️ Do not ask about vegan options. Just don't.
The Local Rough Pub
Unchanged since 1987 and proud of it. Serves Stella, Carling, and Fosters on tap. Crisps of uncertain vintage, microwaved pies when the spirit moves Keith. Fruit machine takes most of the benefit money. The carpet is sticky. The dog is friendly. Fights kick off Fridays after 10pm.
Speciality: Whatever's on tap that hasn't gone off
⚠️ Maurice's seat is Maurice's seat. The sign about oat milk is not a joke.
The Mindful Plate
Wokesworth's only fine dining establishment. Seven-course tasting menu featuring foraged ingredients, poetic descriptions, and portions that suggest food is more about the experience than actual sustenance.
Speciality: Chef's Emotional Journey (£85pp) - you eat your feelings, literally
⚠️ Requires reservation, credit check, and possibly a lifestyle questionnaire
Visitor Survival Guide
Dining Etiquette
- • At the Conscious Bean: Don't ask for normal milk
- • At Sandra's: Don't ask for anything plant-based
- • At the Local Rough Pub: Don't ask questions full stop
- • Tipping: 10% everywhere except Keith's (buy him a pint instead)
Local Customs
- • Complimenting sourdough is expected in eco establishments
- • Complaining about "how things have changed" works everywhere else
- • Everyone has an opinion on the new cycle lane. Pick a side wisely.
- • Never, ever sit in Maurice's seat